Here Are 7 Questions to Consider
Linda dabbed at her moist eyes with a crumpled tissue, but the mascara stains remained. “He was so attentive, so kind at first. I felt like a princess,” she said, her voice trembling. “That was in the beginning, but everything’s changed. We celebrated our first anniversary, and that’s when it all started falling apart.”
“Can you tell me more about what’s different now?” the psychotherapist asked gently.
“I thought we were in love,” Linda whispered, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Tom and I shared so many things — music, walks in the park, eggrolls… even snuggling.” A faint, almost bittersweet smile flickered on her face. “Or at least, I thought he did. Now, Tom says he’d rather drink beer with his friends and play poker on Tuesday nights, which used to be our date night.” Linda shook her head. “We’re arguing a lot. I try to meet his needs, but he doesn’t seem to care about mine. I’m losing myself. When I tried to talk to him about how I feel, he says I’m crazy, that I’m the only one who’s unhappy, that I’m too sensitive. Maybe he’s right. Recently, I invited some friends over for a football party. I organized everything, and he didn’t have to lift a finger. But he showed up an hour late, made a big entrance, and blamed me for his tardiness. I was humiliated. I’m starting to realize he doesn’t care when I’m upset… and worse, I think he enjoys our fights. When I told him I was sad, I think he actually smirked. Then he didn’t talk to me for an entire day, even though I tried to engage. He says I make him ‘turn to stone.’ What does that even mean? Where’s the man I fell in love with — the one who brought me flowers, told me I was beautiful, and seemed to care about how I felt?”
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Relationships
As a psychotherapist with over thirty years of experience, I’ve seen relationships go through many stages — some smooth, others turbulent. While most relationships find a rhythm over time, some begin to implode. Linda’s story isn’t unique. It’s a scenario many people in relationships with narcissists know too well.
The first phase of a relationship often feels magical. But when the shift happens, it’s stark — and painful. It’s essential to understand that narcissistic behavior isn’t limited to a sprinkle of self-centeredness. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex condition, ranging from mild to more severe, and it can severely impact relationships.
This article will help you explore whether your partner’s behavior could be linked to NPD, with seven key questions designed to guide your understanding. While there are other psychological conditions that could cause similar relationship issues, this article will focus primarily on NPD.
It’s also important to remember that personality disorders, including narcissism, don’t “heal” on their own. The onus often falls on the non-narcissistic partner to understand their partner’s pathology in order to make healthy decisions about the future of the relationship.
Narcissism in Popular Culture
Narcissism has been the subject of songs, TV shows, and movies. Taylor Swift, for example, touches on aspects of covert narcissism in her song Anti-Hero. In one line, she sings, “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism?” This clever lyric highlights how narcissists manipulate others by making them feel like they are the problem, thus gaslighting them. Narcissists use this tactic to deflect blame and shift the focus back onto their partner, often making the non-narcissist question their own reality.
Seven Vital Questions to Understand Narcissism in Your Relationship
Answer these questions to help determine if your partner may have narcissistic traits. While answering “yes” to one or two of these doesn’t automatically mean you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, multiple affirmative answers should raise red flags.
- Was love-bombing used at the beginning of the relationship?
In the early stages, narcissists often create intense emotional bonds. You feel adored, special, and like you’re the center of their world. But once they’ve gained control, the intense affection wanes, and the emotional connection diminishes. If your partner’s behavior felt too good to be true early on, it may have been love-bombing.
2. Is your partner self-centered?
Narcissists tend to prioritize their own needs and desires above all else. In a relationship, this means they make decisions — like where to go for dinner or how to spend weekends — without considering your preferences. They often expect to be the focal point in every situation, and if this behavior drains you, it’s a warning sign.
3. Does your partner seem emotionally cold?
While narcissists may show moments of tenderness, these often serve their own needs. Their empathy, especially for you, is typically lacking. They may ignore or dismiss your feelings, and even blame you for their behavior. This emotional neglect can be deeply hurtful over time.
4. Does your partner believe they are superior to others?
A narcissist often feels they are better than others — whether it’s intelligence, looks, or achievements. They may feel entitled to special treatment and will disregard rules or boundaries. In their mind, the world revolves around them, and others exist to serve them.
5. Are your achievements downplayed or ignored?
Narcissists struggle to celebrate the success of others, especially if it threatens their sense of superiority. When you accomplish something, they may minimize it, redirecting the conversation back to their own achievements or making you feel insignificant.
6. Did you initially overlook problematic traits?
At the start of the relationship, narcissists can be incredibly charming, which may cause you to overlook certain red flags. However, as time goes on, their self-centered traits and lack of empathy may become more pronounced. Reflecting on the early days can help you identify patterns you might have ignored initially.
7. Did couples therapy fail, even before it started?
Narcissists often resist therapy. They may view it as a threat to their control or fear exposure. In couples therapy, they typically struggle to accept responsibility for their actions, often blaming the therapist or you for the problems in the relationship.
What to Do Next
Answering these questions can be an eye-opening first step in understanding whether you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. If you find that you’ve answered “yes” to four or more of these questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with narcissistic behaviors. Understanding the root causes of these behaviors and how they might play out in your life will be explored in the next article.
In the meantime, take a moment to reflect on your answers to the seven questions. If you see similarities to your own situation or that of someone you care about, you’re not alone. Feel free to share your thoughts or questions in the comments below, and I’ll address them in future articles.
Remember, understanding is the first step toward making empowered decisions about your relationships.
Written by Caryn Hacker-Buechel, ACSW, DCSW
Retired Psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. Caryn now shares her expertise through articles and her upcoming debut novel, The General’s Princess.